is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
