My underwear smells like fireworks.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
