Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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