So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
