watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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