He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
