Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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