I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
