Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
