I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
