Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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