you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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