I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
