so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
