i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
