Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
