Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
