i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
