I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
