All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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