Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We talked him into tasing himself.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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