on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
