I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
