Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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