May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
