guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
