He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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