You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
