Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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