I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
