I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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