All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
