Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
