New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
