the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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