There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
