Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
