Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
