I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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