im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
