I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
