I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
