wanna go halves on a baby?
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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