community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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