4 words: hood of his car
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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