The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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