I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
