My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
