and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
