I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
