We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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