Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
